Car Accident

A lawyer speeds through a stop sign on a small country road and gets into an accident with a doctor.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is shaken up, helps him from his car and offers him a drink from a flask. The doctor takes a swig and hands the flask back to the lawyer. The lawyer holds the flask for a few seconds, then gives it to the doctor again. The doctor takes another swig and again returns it to the lawyer, who gives it back to the doctor for one more drink.

After his third swig, the doctor asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"

"Not now," the lawyer answers. "I'll have some after the police leave."

Consultation

A potential client enters a lawyer's office and asks, "Can you tell me how much you charge?"

"Sure," the lawyer replies. "I charge $500 to answer three questions."

"That's a bit steep, isn't it?" the client asks.

"It sure is," says the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

Truck Driver

A truck driver with a habit of running over lawyers for fun is driving down the road. He sees a priest hitch hiking. Figuring he's doing a good deed, he pulls over and asks the priest where he's heading.

"I'm going to the church a few miles down the road," replies the priest.

"Well, jump in!" says the trucker. "I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbs into the passenger seat, and the driver continues down the road. Suddenly, the trucker sees a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerves to hit him, but when he remembers that there's a priest in the truck, he swerves away at the last minute, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However, when he hears a loud THUD, he looks in his mirrors to make sure he didn't hit something. Not seeing anything wrong, he turns to the priest and says, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replies the priest. "I got him with the door."

Hit and Run

A lawyer opens the door of his shiny new BMW and is about to step out when a car comes speeding by and rips off the door. When the police arrive at the scene, the lawyer is upset, complaining bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whines to an officer.

"You lawyers are so materialistic," the cop replies. "You're so worried about your BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my God!" the lawyer exclaims as he finally notices the bloody stump where his arm once was. "My Rolex!"

Emergency Landing

A 747 is experiencing engine trouble, so the pilot instructs the crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," they replied, "except a lawyer who's still passing out business cards."

Bad News

A man gets a call from his lawyer insisting that they meet immediately. He arrives at his lawyer's office, anxious about what could be so urgent.

"Do you want the bad news or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"I guess I'll take the bad news," the man replied, bracing for the worst.

"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars," said the lawyer.

"That's not bad at all!" exclaimed the relieved man. "What's the terrible news?"

"It's of you and your secretary."

Charity Work

One day during the holiday season, a lawyer receives a phone call from a local charity. "Sir, according to our research, you haven't made a donation," the caller states. "Would you like to do so?"

The lawyer becomes indignant. "A contribution?" he exclaims. "Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker feels a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident and she has three kids and no means of support?"

"I'm terribly sorry..." the worker stammers.

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full-time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I'm sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people!" the lawyer shouts. "If I don't give them anything, why should I give it to you?!"

Gator in a Bar

A man walks into a bar, pulling an alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," says the bartender.

"Good," the man replies. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

You Can't Take It With You

An old man on his death bed calls his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man puts an envelope in the coffin. Later, as they're riding away in a limousine, the priest breaks into tears and confesses, "I put only $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," says the doctor, "I put only $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital that cost $20,000."

"I'm ashamed of both of you!" the lawyer exclaims. "When I put my envelope in the coffin, it contained a check for the full $30,000."

Farmhouse

The Chicago police chief, fire chief and city attorney are driving through a rural area on the way to a conference when their car breaks down. They seek help at a nearby farmhouse, where a farmer tells them that they're welcome to spend the night, but there's only two spare beds and so somebody would have to spend the night in the barn.

The police chief volunteers to sleep in the barn, but soon after settling in, he comes back to the house complaining that he can't sleep because the pigs in the barn remind him of insults that had been yelled at him.

The fire chief says that he'll sleep in the barn and leaves, but a short time later, he also returns, complaining that the cows in the barn remind him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow, which started the great Chicago fire.

The city attorney stands up and declares, "You two are such babies! I'll go sleep in the stupid barn." A few minutes after the lawyer leaves, there's knock at the bedroom door. When the police and fire chiefs open it, a herd of annoyed cows and pigs stroll in.

Lawyer in Hell

A man dies and ends up in Hell, where he's led by the Devil past an array of torture scenes full of shrieking sinners.

As he passes the hideous circles of Hell, he notices one scene of a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair!" cries the man. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman?"

"Silence!" the Devil shouts, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Lawyer in Heaven

A successful lawyer dies and finds himself at the gates of Heaven. Instead of being happy, though, he's irritated that he died so young.

"There must be some mistake," he exclaims, confronting St. Peter. "I'm only 45 years old!"

"That's strange," St. Peter replies. "According to the hours you billed, you're at least 114 years old."

Eating Grass

One day, a wealthy lawyer is riding in his limousine when he spots a pathetic-looking man by the side of the road, eating grass. He orders his driver to stop and gets out to investigate. He asks the man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have money for food," he explains.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insists the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and three kids here," the man says, pointing to his straggly looking family eating grass on the other side of the field.

"Bring them along!" lawyer replies.

Overjoyed, the poor man gathers up his family, and they all climb into the limousine. As they drive toward the lawyer's house, the man couldn't contain his excitement. "Sir, you are too kind," he gushes to the lawyer. "Thank you so much for taking all of us with you."

"I'm happy to do it," the lawyer says. "You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

Another Lawyer

The defendant in a murder trial is fed up with his attorney and requests a word in private with the judge.

While they're alone, the defendant asks the judge, "If my lawyer were to die suddenly, would I get another one?"

"Of course," the judge replies.

"In that case," says the defendant, "Can I now have a word in private with my lawyer?"

Doctor and Lawyer

A doctor has just bought a villa on the French Riviera when he meets an old lawyer friend whom he hasn't seen in years, and they start talking. The lawyer, as it turns out, owns a nearby villa. They discuss how they came to retire to the Riviera.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asks the lawyer. "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. How did you get here?"

The doctor replies, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer says. "But I'm confused about one thing: how do you start a flood?"

Mathematics

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer are asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!"

The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

Words of Wisdom

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Riddle Me This

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: Why should you avoid hitting a lawyer riding a bicycle?
A: Because it might be your bicycle.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers in a ten-foot grave instead of the traditional six?
A: Because deep down they are good people.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent jump out a window on the 35th floor, which one hits the ground first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?
A: There are usually skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture doesn't get frequent flier miles.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at the beach?
A: Because they're used to doing all their lying indoors.

Light Bulbs

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "How many can you afford?"

2) Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"

3) Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.

4) One. The lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.